Fear Not For Thou Hast Found Favor With God

I, like many of you, adore the story of Christ's birth. Aside from the the obvious religious implications, which are very dear and sacred to me the story, by itself, is still incredible. The cast of characters is extensive but everyone plays such an essential role. From the very beginning of Christ's life the principles that He would exemplify were already apparent in those that were close to Him at his birth. 


This story begins with Zacharias and Elisabeth and their story of patience and promise. They were both righteous and thus prepared for whatever role their Father in Heaven had in store for them. They are such a great example of enduring. They waited so many years for a child and then to get one so late in life. In their place I may have felt overwhelmed. However, they were willing to be parents to a very special baby boy. John the Baptist was specially called to prepare the way and testify of Jesus Christ, a role that assumed even while in the womb (Luke 1:41). 


Next we add the obedient shepherds watching their flock by night. Whom after receiving the news of Christ from Angles of the Lord said "'Let us now go'...and they made haste" (Luke 2: 15-16). How easily they could have made excuses or debated the timing. They could have waited until morning, been concerned with the logistics of such a trip, or afraid for their safety or the safety of their flock. Yet, they made haste. 


Then we have those and faithful wise men who were not only willing to make large sacrifices themselves, but who were  faithful enough to recognize the signs of Christ's birth. What righteous, wonderful men. Their eagerness to pay tribute to the Savior; their faith. They were ready to trust that the fate of all mankind be left in the hands of such a small boy. 


Now, we have our dear Joseph; what an honorable young man. When Joseph first heard that Mary was pregnant he, naturally, must have felt so betrayed. However, he cared about Mary and could not leave her to suffer the consequences of the law. He wanted to do right by Mary and keep things very quiet. Then when he understood the reality of Mary's situation he married her quickly taking on both the responsibly of parenthood to Savior of the world and the judgement and cruelty of those who didn't understand. 


I love Mary. What a perfect example for Christ to grow up with. I can only imagine what she must have felt. What an incredible thing to be called to do. When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and explained her mission she had only two things to say in response. First she said "how should this be, seeing I know not a man?" after Gabriel's answer to her sweet, humble question saying "with God nothing shall be impossible". Mary then replied "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word" (Luke 1). I love her response. I admire Mary's courage. What she was asked to do must have been so daunting and humbling. I would be terrified and sure that I was not qualified for such a task. How does one parent the Son of God? What could a young girl have to offer? How many years of ridicule and misunderstanding were facing her and those she loved? With all of that ahead how admirable that all she had to say was "be it unto me according to thy word." 


From the first moments of Christ's earthly life those importance principles of his ministry were already in place. In this amazing story we learn such importance lessons of enduring, testifying of truth, obedience, faith, honor, and courage. As i read this story each year i cannot help but wonder what my role is; to wonder if I am prepared for what I will be asked to do. This story makes it so clear how the seemingly small, supporting roles of life can have great importance to the Lord. How dearly we are all loved by Heavenly Father and how important we are to Him. I know, with all my heart, that each one of us has an important role to play. We are capable of so very much and it is because of that scared day when the Savior was born and made way for two more important principles that of love and redemption. It is because of both of those that we are able to reach our potential. If we can follow the example of those that were there that sacred day and endure, testify, be endlessly obedient, faithful, and full of honor, and courage. and if we use the atonement of our Savior to learn how to perfectly love and seek redemption we can someday hear "Thou has found favor with God" 


Applicable links:
Videos of Christ's birth

Monday Madness: It Happens All The Time

Agatha and Fitz were on their first date; it wasn't going well. It was the end of the semester and Fitz was days away from moving back home. Agatha was already pretty emotionally neutral about ole' Fitzy and his impending move made her even less enchanted with this date. As they were bowling up on campus she kept thinking to herself 'what is the point of this' and had worked herself into a bit of a funk.

They walked back to her house and Fitz said, "why don't we go get a movie?"

Agatha begrudgingly agreed only to be reminded that Fitz didn't have a car so she would be driving them to rent this movie. She walked down to her car, saw it covered in snow, and was miffed. She thought to herself, "why can't this date just be over already!" Agatha decided that she would hurry things along and not do any snow removal on her rear window. She jumped in the car, thew it into reverse and very soon after heard her car and the apartment dumpster meet with a big thud.

Fitz looked wide-eyed at Agatha and said, "Oh man" with a bit of wonder and amusement in his voice.

Agatha was now beyond miffed both by her dreadful night and by Fitz's stupid response. So she very calmly and nonchalantly said "Eh, it's ok. It happens all the time" while throwing her car into drive and speeding out of the lot.

and Fitz bought it.

Jumanji

My dear friend has this wonderful little dating theory that always makes me laugh. I asked if she would share it and she agreed. Go here to read all about it http://emilythetall.blogspot.com/2011/11/jumanji.html

Monday Madness: The Simpsons

Agatha and Fitz had been dating for a few months and to be honest it felt more like a friendship, and not in a good way. They got along well and had similar interests but they lacked all romance. They had been friends before they decided to give dating a shot and dating it turns out felt just like the friendship. It was time to call a spade a spade.

Agatha said "i am really sorry Fitzy but I just don't think we are anything more than friends.

Fitz responded "I actually agree completely"

the two sat awkwardly for a minute wondering what to do next, what would happen, how should they act....

Then Fitz said "I think The Simpsons are starting"

They turned the TV on and never mentioned dating again

Monday Madness: Tennis Anyone

Agatha and Fitz had been dating for a couple of months and things were going well. Fitz decided he had the perfect date, a romantic game of tennis. Agatha was not what one would call coordinated but she liked Fitz and wanted to be a good sport, so she decided to play. She walked onto the court. Her head, one would assume was filled with endless self talk, desperate to pump herself up and maybe discover some hidden tennis talents.

The ball came flying towards Agatha. She gathered up her courage and swung the racket with as much grace as she could muster. The ball came sailing towards her, completely avoiding her racket and hit her directly in the head.

Fitz felt the romance slip right out of his reach too.

Monday Madness: Set Me Up

Speaking of people being helpful. Set-ups happen often when one is single. Set-ups can be dreadful and uncomfortable but sometimes they are the only dates one goes on, so one see some value in them. Once I had a dear friend call to set me up and before she said much I agreed. Then the conversation went something like this:

"Oh, I am so glad you agreed. He is really a great guy... I mean he's not what you would call tall, dark, and handsome but he is very nice.... and um... he is not obese but..."

People say the silliest things when describing someone. It's usually an odd mix of compliments and insults, but we still go out and hope for the best.

Monday Madness: Maybe if...

I did this for Monday and then I didn't post it... sorry.

Have you noticed that as an "older" single other people really want to help help?

This happens all the time. People give advice, or offer set-ups, or offer sympathy... it goes on. Probably the most common is advice.

I really do appreciate everyone that has tried to help and I know their heart is in the right place but, sometimes they say the darnedest things. I have had people suggest that ask guys out while others suggest I wait for them to ask me; flirt with boys or ignore boys; play smart or play dumb; have lots of opinions or express no opinion.Most of the time it's a million contradictory ideas of what might work. Some ideas can be helpful and interesting but occasionally they are absolutely hilarious. My favorite of all time:

A friend of mine was throwing options of things I could say or do on a date. I was listening politely but I did occasionally reply with reasons that her ideas would not work. After a while of this back and forth, she looked at me exasperated and said "Maybe if you just talked less"

Maybe....

Monday Madness: I've Had Better

Fitz was a very level headed, literal young man on a blind date with Agatha. The date had been going well enough, but nothing to write home about. Agatha liked to talk openly, and the majority of the night she had been throwing out questions about anything and everything. Our dear Fitz was doing his best to answer every question thoughtfully and honestly. At the end of the night Agatha hit Fitz with one final question:

Agatha: "So, how does this date rate against other dates you've been on?"

Fitz thinks for a minute (but maybe not long enough) and says: "I've had better" after hearing the words come out of his mouth it occurs to Fitz that this might not be his most eloquent and smooth dating moments so he quickly adds "I've also had worse..."

Monday Madness: Wouldn't it be Funny...

Agatha had just started dating someone new. He seemed to be a really nice guy and things were going well; it was great, but new. Agatha was on the phone with her mom talking about the fun, budding relationship. Agatha's mom was excited, but she was trying to stay calm and say the right thing. She cautiously talked about she felt, so careful to not put any pressure on her daughter but as they talked her excitement continued to build and all of the sudden she said "wouldn't it be funny if you got married"

I love these silly things people accidentally say to singles. So often in an effort to say the right thing they say the wrong thing. When we remember that they love us and want to say they right thing there is no need to get offended. But instead to enjoy the humor of the situation.

Monday Madness: Uh Oh, It's Tuesday

I have not slept much lately

I have a full time (sometimes more than full time job) and then I come home from work, take a deep breath, and try to fill my spare time with those things we need to do as singles. You know, forming relationships, hopefully dating, some form of socializing or another. (Sound familiar? I am sure it does)

I am so tired.

My room is a disaster

I need to do laundry (wore cropped pants last night even though it was cold)

My DVR is totally full

My scripture study is minimal and kinda sloppy

I can't remember the last time I set foot in a grocery store

I am so tired.

I try all day to focus on work; counting the hours until I can go home and relax. Once I make it through the day i walk into my house, survey my world, and am immediately reminded of all the things I should do better. I gear up to accomplish something and then I get a text about watching a movie and am not home again until late. I flop my tired self into bed, sleep for what feels like 5 minutes, then I wake up and do it all again.

So many people keep reminding me that my job right now is to meet people and date. Trying to dispel the guilty I feel as other things start to slip. I know socializing is important and I am having fun. But, sometimes I really do feel like I work two jobs and I crave a day off. Trust me, you would feel guilty too if you saw my room and forgot to post for Monday Madness.

I know we all feel busy (married and single alike). I know that is just life and sometimes I think I have it under control... but this week I just feel tired. I know that some of you reading this would trade places with me in a heartbeat and I do have a really great life but I am so tired.

I think the first step to regaining control is to remember that my DVR exists for me and that the 98% full notice should not haunt me the way it does.

I am my own captain... well at the very least I am captain of my own DVR.

Disclaiming and Validating

(Disclaimer #1: I know that it may not bode well to start a post with a disclaimer but it’s my blog and I will disclaim if I want to (written to the tune of It’s My Party and I Will Cry If I Want To). Now to the real disclaimer which maybe should be consider disclaimer #2 since that first comment was its own disclaimer allowing me to disclaim this… This post is highly emotional and not at all funny, sorry. Also, this should be obvious, what I say on this blog is entirely my opinion (again my blog)).

Whenever I go shopping at the Gateway Mall I always seem to go to at least one store that does not validate. I find that I am filled with the same confusion each time I hear the words, “Oh, we don’t validate here”. No matter how often I hear it, those words sound to me as if they are spoken in a foreign language. I don’t understand… you don’t what?  Why wouldn’t you validate? I am sure that as a company, some cost is incurred with each validation that they provide, but so what? Plus, I imagine there is a cost benefit comparison that would come out in favor of providing validation. However, maybe I am wrong. Clearly dopes like me continue to frequent these stores well after the lack of validation is learned, so the stores must be able to get away with it.

I have been thinking a lot about validation lately. How much we need to be validated and how often we will continue to frequent a relationship long after we learn that they don’t validate there. I have wondered if we need it, or if maybe we just think we do; perhaps we just want validation. Should it ever be the responsibility of someone else to provide validation that will cover our emotional tolls? Or, is the cost incurred with life one that we must always pay alone?

After a lot of thought I must say that my answer to all of the above questions is yes.

Yes we need validation.

Yes it needs to come from others. 

Yes sometimes we want more validation than we need.

Yes it is our responsibility to pay a certain price in order to get where we want.

Yes there is someone that has already paid the ultimate price for all.

Yes.

Let’s first talk short term parking. Obviously, the longer that you park your heart in a certain relationship with any given person, the higher the cost. As the emotional cost increases it becomes more difficult to expect that one person should eat that whole cost without help. For example, when you have only been on a few dates with someone you will probably notice a certain cost. You may feel vulnerable or uncertain; you may feel worried and insecure. You will naturally hope that this person will validate you, easing your emotional toll. However, you may find, “Oh, we don’t validate here” to be the response to your desire.  At this point in your relationship, as much as you may crave their validation, you don’t need it. You are not currently paying enough to park that you need help to cover the cost. Early in a relationship we cannot demand validation; we must be capable enough to pay the full price.

Again, after only a few dates the emotional toll will not be that steep. If, even early on, you are not capable of covering your own cost to participate in a new relationship, that is a whole other issue and one that no extent of outside validation will resolve. You need to find a way to be able to cover the beginning costs of emotional parking. If you don’t know how, stay tuned and we will discuss one type of validation that will help. If you do know how, but are just lazy or tired, get over that. Do what you need to do; pep talks from friends, distraction, prayer, scripture study, flirt with someone else… whatever works, do it. Too early in a relationship it is inappropriate to ask for money or means to cover your emotional state.


Now, let’s talk long term relationship parking. As you spend more time and more cost starts to add up, you will need help. At this point, it is not only appropriate but expected that the relationship you are frequenting will provide validation. Keep in mind that everyone is different; each will need different amounts of validations and may be equip with different abilities to validate another. Use your discretion on what is necessary in your own relationships. I will illustrate my point with examples:

First, a person is in a committed dating relationship, the couple has been involved for quite some time and both would acknowledge that things have moved beyond short term parking. However, one part of this relationship duo still doubts how safe it is to park herself with her boyfriend. She is constantly in doubt and feels insecure in their relationship. These insecurities are not unwarranted because her boyfriend does not participate in validation. I don’t know why he doesn’t, maybe he is not good at it or maybe he doesn’t realize she needs it… who knows. The point is that while incurring more and more emotional cost she has the right to expect some type of validation. It is not weak or stupid for her to look to him to pay some of their relationship toll.



I will allow for the fact that things can ebb and flow in life. Couples may find it necessary, at specific times, to cover the cost for their spouse. Occasionally one person may feel particularly poor and need extra validation. However, there is an emotional average that is necessary for a healthy relationship and it demands that both parties give freely and equally. The men in both scenarios need to make amends, grow up, and start realizing what it means to participate in a relationship.

(Disclaimer #2/3 (depending on how you are counting): This is not intended to berate men. There are many men that are willing to pay their share in a relationship. These particular examples have come up around me recently and that is why they were used. We all know that being selfish and unkind in a relationship is not gender specific and all need to be aware of the needs of others. We all need to remember that participation in relationships is not a right but a choice and it, like everything, demands a certain price be paid by all involved).

Finally, let’s talk about a very specific and very unique form of validation and that is the eternal and endless price paid by Jesus Christ. Through Christ’s atonement all cost associated with any and all emotional tolls have already been paid and validated. All have the ability to call on His eternal gift to fill in the gaps so often left by life. If you find yourself unable to pay even the smallest emotional price, He will cover you. If you find you’re temporarily short on funds, He will cover you. If you end up in a sad situation where you are asked to bare the entire burden for yourself and others (either by selfishness and poor choices of another or by unfortunate accident), he will cover you. If you feel unable to validate others, He will teach you and then also cover you until you can. It doesn’t matter what type of toll or what the cost He can and will cover you if you will just ask.

In summation it can be hard to hear, “Oh, we don’t validate here,” but it seems inevitably that at some point or another we will find ourselves in a store that will not validate. My advice: First, check your own funds and be honest with yourself. Do you really need to be validated or do you just want it? Are you in a position (i.e. how long have you been parked) to expect that someone should help cover the cost? If you have honestly and accurately accounted for your situation and find that you do need help to pay the emotional price you have three options:

1. Ask for validation in a calm and mature manner (yes it is ok and often necessary to communicate needs and expectations in relationships. It is neither desperate nor unromantic to be honest, specific, and open in your communication. Never making efforts to communicate (i.e. feeling that you do not need to) is not a sign that a relationship is extra healthy, it’s a sign of naivety and immaturity… again remember I am expressing my opinions. If you disagree that’s fine, but I imagine you and I should never date.)

2. Try finding ways/ learning to need less validation. Sometimes we have some healing to do that makes us more vulnerable in relationships. It is wise to heal first so that we never have to feel desperate and needy when involved with others. Use the atonement in all things and become your best, most healthy self. If you do, you will find that you can have more realistic expectations of others and through that you will be happier in all parking endeavors.

3. Don’t park there. If you cannot feel safe and covered in your current parking spot, move your emotions elsewhere. If you are dating, this is easier and absolutely necessary. Take courage in the knowledge that you have the right to get reasonable and basic needs met by your partner. If he/she will not or cannot provide necessary validation take your heart to another place. Do not marry someone if you do not feel safe and loved. If you are married, this is obviously trickier. I do not take divorce lightly and see it as a last resort and rarely the solution to a problem. In the case of marriage ask for help from a professional and be sure to apply heaping amounts of Christ’s healing atonement. Find the help you need in Him and pray to Heavenly Father for the appropriate answers and solutions to your particular and unique situation.

Most of all understand that you are not alone. We all are trying our best. Relationships are tricky and can be scary at times. Be honest and understanding of yourself and of others and I am confident we can all find ourselves a safe place to park.


-Not Desperate in SLC


Applicable songs:
Barenaked Ladies- I Can, I Will, I Do
not a song but applicable

Monday Madness: I Love You...

In the history of dating couples the initial I love you can be a little awkward. Someone says "I love you" and the other person responds "thank you"  or "uh huh" or "oh, that's nice" or my favorite of all time...
"I dig ya"

what response to I love you have you said or heard? (other than I love you too, that one is obvious and not funny).

Monday Madness: The Friend Jump

Agatha and Fitz were sitting in a park talking and laughing about things. All of the sudden, Fitz makes a swift move, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. Agatha sits stiffly, stunned by his sudden change. The talking and laughing ceased; they sat in silence. Agatha couldn't figure out why she felt surprised; she liked Fitz and was happy at the direction that things were moving, but she felt a little odd and she wanted to know why. Fitz was not unaware of Agatha's change and was starting to get a little nervous. He tried to ask her questions and get the conversation flowing again, but she was not as accommodating as he would like.

Finally like a light bulb the realty dawned on Agatha and she excitedly exclaimed, "Oh, we are doing the friend jump. That's why this is awkward, but I didn't think we were that good of friends!"

Fitz looked a little stunned and stammered, "I thought we were pretty good friends..." 

To the reader: Fitz and Agatha had actually been friends for easily 4 months which may not seem like much, but it had been four months of endless interactions and Fitz was right, they were good friends. 

Monday Madness: The Smell of Masculinity

Yesterday I was complaining to my friend about men that wear too much cologne. Some of you may be into that   super cologney smell but I am not. I like a man to smell like himself; maybe like a better version of himself, but still himself. My friend and I were extensively discussing this... well I was extensively discussing it (picture a soapbox), and then she finally said, "yeah I can't remember what a man i supposed to smell like, every man I know smells like burritos."

You should probably know that  my friend manages a Mexican Restaurant. But, it really made me think, things could always be worse. I shouldn't complain about cologne, at least it's not burritos.

Monday Madness: Sunday Madness

This is too funny to not share.

There is a family ward that meets right before my singles ward. Just yesterday one of my friends was trying to get some ward business done before church. Because of her new calling she thought it might be wise to make sure she knew the names of those in our ward. She stood in front of the board scanning the faces of her fellow singles, distracted by her thoughts, when she was interrupted.  An older man from the family ward, assuming she must be scanning the board longingly for a mate (as my dad would say. For real, my dad says the word 'mate.' Isn't it simultaneously horrifying and charming?) said as  he passed, "hang in there"

I love the support.

Monday Madness: Look in the Mirror and Tell Me What You See

Spoiler alert the couple featured in this Monday Madness did, in fact, end up happily married.

Agatha and Fitz had never met. A friend of theirs was trying to set them up but since Agatha and Fitz lived a few hours apart their first few interactions were over the phone. At the end of their second sucessful call Fitz decides it's time to take things to the next level. He very innocently asks:

Fitz: So, um, Agatha, what exactly do you look like
Agatha (feeling a little self conscious and timid) says: uh, I don't know.
Fitz (a little bit frustrated. Thinking 'why must women complicate everything) replies :Look in the mirror and tell me what you see.
Agatha: um, I  have brown hair, blue eyes...
Fitz is getting increasingly frustrated at their inability to communicate what he is really interested in knowing so finally he blurts out: "how much do you weigh?"

Silence....

Applicable songs:
Mika- Big Girl You Are Beautiful

Monday Madness: Sing For Me Kristine

Let me set the scene:
Agatha is sitting in the car finishing up a first (blind) date with Fitzy. Fitzy seems nice enough but Agatha is not feeling the romantic vibes on this date. She is thinking what now, how long do we have to keep going here? We gave it a shot it is just not there. Fitzy is thinking... who knows what he is thinking probably not much. All of the sudden Fitzy speaks up in one last Hail Mary.

Fitzy: (scrolling through his iPod) "Do you like musicals?"

Agatha: Uh, sure

Fitzy: (consumed with nervous energy, sets down the Ipod)...

One would expect at this point that he would have chosen a song from the options on his iPod, right? You are assuming he is going to play a song from a musical. That is what Agatha thought also. However, instead Fitzy takes a deep breath and launches into his most spectacular performance ever. Made even more tense and emotional by the fact that he is simultaneously driving. Agatha cannot recall what song Fitzy performed that evening but I like to imagine it as "Point of No Return" from Phantom of the Opera. I imagine it as having that same intense, slightly odd, surge of unwanted emotion. Ok in Phantom Christine kind of wants it, but I grantee that Agatha didn't. Agatha and Fitzy hit an entirely different point of no return in that moment.

When Life Gives You Blues and Meantimes

A few hours into my work day, I am feeling a bit blue; no real reason just feeling blue. I stayed up too late last that probably has something to do with it. Then, because of the late night I slept in and didn’t read my scriptures and was late to work… I am sure that is the source of my feelings but I still can’t shake it. I walked back to my desk and lying on a corner was a dying fly. Things to note about this are: 1. I have no idea where this fly came from (how often do you see a fly dead or dying when you were not a participant in the destruction or the fly was not stuck next to a window?) 2. The fly was not dead, but dying.  Watching this tiny little body fight for its last bit of life really affected me. I sat confused and surprised at my desk and then I felt tears start to fill my eyes. I pulled myself together to go asked two men I work with what I should do. Both men felt my solution was obvious… put the fly in the trash. I took a deep breath and quickly, with tears coming yet again, moved my uninvited guest into the garbage can.

Isn’t it funny how much more desperate a situation seems when other things in life are not inline? When you are tired, not prioritizing life correctly, or when you are too focused on yourself those blues can seep quickly in. Whenever I start to feel hopeless, teary, and desperate I can always count on any combination of the following to resolve my feelings:  a nap (or even better getting to bed early), prayers, reading scriptures, reading a good book, turning off the TV, the computer, and the phone and enjoying some peace, being alone, being still, the temple, a bath, journal, time with my family, a favorite movie, a favorite joke with a friend…


When I have tried all of the options above and I still feel sad, then I know to add one last ingredient, time.  


Sometimes things are hard because we can’t be perfectly happy at all times.
Sometimes things are hard because we haven’t done those important things that revive, rejuvenate and refill us.
And sometimes things are just plain hard and the only solution is time. When this happens and you need to patiently allow time to work its magic, it is always wise to fill your meantimes. For me the same list that can knock me out of a mood will also sustain me through the most endless meantimes.


Lastly, one of the best cures for the blues is service. President Hinckley used to always remind of us of the time his dad wrote to a discouraged Elder Gordon Hinckley on his mission and gave him this simple, and always helpful, solution to the blues “forget yourself and go to work”. I really feel this is one of the most difficult things as a single. When single your life is, by definition, only really about you. Therefore, it can be incredibly hard to turn your thoughts outward. However, when I can fill my time with meeting others needs instead of thinking about my needs I find that I have less time to spend living in the blues.  When the blues hit I can start to feel heavy and see no solution in sight. But, just like my fly, to others the solution is often obvious. Fill your time with things that will recharge you, give yourself and your life time, and always be willing to forget yourself and get to work. With these simple ingredients repeated and reused in any combination that suit your needs a small fly dying on your desk will not be quite so tragic. 

- Not Desperate in SLC

Applicable Songs:
Ben Folds- Time
Imogen Heap- Wait It Out

Monday Madness

This happened to me last night. I was at home discussing dating on the phone with my parents. I like to talk about dating I think it is an interesting and applicable subject matter. I also really enjoy talking to my parents. So I am going on and on about this and that; expressing all my theories and opinions. After about an hour of my parents patiently listening, supporting, and validating me my dad said "Stop talking to your parents and go socialize"

I do need to work on that. A little less conversation and little more action please.

Monday Madness

Agatha was once very young, silly and sometimes a little cruel. Fitzy was overeager and not picking up on Agatha's signals. He was one of those guys that thought there was a direct correlation between bratty disinterest and attraction. A prime example of one of their interactions goes as follows:

Fitzy (after a long night of failed romantic attempts) "Do you want to go for a drive"

long pause, then Agatha responds "I guess, but only if you don't talk"

My point with this Monday Madness is that we all say really stupid things. This Agatha is really a great girl but to that Fritz she was not her best self. If you date long enough it is inevitable that you will probably be someones:
"most embarrassing"
"most attractive"
"most fun"
"needy"
"most emotional"
"most aggressive"
and/or
"crazy" ...

ex-girlfriend. Whether we realize it, or not, our exes have a lot of labels for us and I am sure not all of them are flattering. If you can be honest and admit mistakes it is kinda funny to think of all the ridiculous things we've done or said.

Monday Madness

We are going to start something new for our Mondays, it's Monday Madness. Dating is a funny little thing. People say the silliest things to you when your single, or when you are on dates, or during break-ups, and let's be honest we say some pretty ridiculous things ourselves. It is so fun to come home and have a good laugh with your friends and family about whatever embarrassing tidbit fell out of your mouth during a date. So, with that in mind, let's share. Every Monday I will post one funny dating experience or quote either from my own life, from my friends, from my family, or from you. So feel free to email me your great stories.

There are only a few rules:

1. It has to be something that actually happened to you. No urban legends, none of these my friend's, sister's, little brother once... So to absolutely rule that out only stories that directly happened to you. In turn I will only tell you things that either happened to me or that happened to the person that told me the story.
2. All stories must actually be lighthearted and not something you are really angry or bitter about, but pretending to have a sense of humor because that's a more charming emotion than the others I mentioned. We are looking for genuinely funny or stupid things you have accidentally said or had said to you. Not something mean-spirited.
3. Sorry, it's my blog so I pick. I pick the order of stories and I pick which ones I repeat. Some stories, while great, are too hard to tell in writing or are not succinct enough for our purposes. So please don't get your feelings hurt.
4. I will tell all stories from the third person. All women will be called Agatha (because I love that name. But, I am never in a million years going to find a man that will want to name a daughter Agatha). All the men will be called Fitzwilliam (because I am in a literary mood and he is a great example of sometimes saying the wrong, yet hilarious, thing).


1. Monday Madness: The Final Countdown


It was high school and Agatha and Fitzwilliam were out on a date. While the couple they were doubling with was outside the car scraping the ice off the car Agatha and Fitzwilliam were sitting nervously in the backseat. Agatha was starting to feel a little cocky, she could see the moment of a first kiss approaching and she was clearly more confident than her counterpart. Her confidence grew as he grew more uncomfortable. He was so nervous it was charming. All of the sudden Fitzwilliam says out loud "three, two, one" and then leaps across the car to kiss Agatha. Agatha is not sure what she was more surprised by; attack kiss or the countdown, but either way it was a kiss she would never forget.

If You've Ever Used The Bathroom at Little America Hotel, You Know What I Mean

Last night I was sitting with some old roommates giggling, catching-up, and reminiscing. We talked about an old friend who, when just a freshman in college, had once said “ My biggest fear is that I fall in love with someone for their personality and when I send out wedding announcements no one will think that he is attractive enough”. We laughed and laughed over this silly comment. We had thought it was funny at the time, but years later it is even better. As I laughed with two of my old friends (both married for years) there was a part of that old quote that didn’t sit well. Of course it is ridiculous and hilarious to think about being that vain and preoccupied with others. However, there is a part of what she is said that I can relate to, and the older I get (while remaining single) I only relate more.

Don’t you sometimes want things to appear exactly how they are? When you know in your heart you are doing well and you are happy, you want to look it. When you have adorable, wonderful children you can sometimes obsess over dirty faces and messy hair. Thinking, “come on kids, please look as delightful as you are. People cannot possibly know how proud I am of you when you look like a ragamuffin.” Or you notice a zit/cold sore before a big day and think to yourself “never mind, I guess I am not leaving the house today. This isn’t the me that I want people to have experiences with.”  Or you want a nice car because you are doing well in your job and you work hard. You think it would be so nice if everyone else could tell, just by looking at you, how hard you really do work. I could give endless examples and it doesn’t matter how fantastically confident you are, you will have a moment or two like these in your life; you will have times when you feel sad that the cover of you book doesn’t represent the beauty of the story found within. Thinking to yourself “please everyone trust me, we (or I) have a really great story. It is full of ups and downs, twist and turns, and a few cliff hangers. Sure sometimes it can start to drag a bit, but it only drags in a good way like an old Victorian novel. You will laugh, cry, and be discouraged, be heartbroken, be happy. But overall it truly is a feel good story worth knowing. Just trust me, I love it.”

So, is everyone with me so far? We can all agree to sometimes feeling discouraged that our life doesn’t always come with the matching cover for everyone to see.  Now, let me tell you my awful secret. The longer I am single the more I feel the pressure to make sure my cover matches my relationship. In reality I don’t care one fig if anyone else finds my future spouse attractive, interesting, successful, or impressive. In my heart of hearts, I KNOW that all that matters is how I feel. However, I sometimes cringe at the idea of someone seeing us, meeting us, or hearing of us and thinking any one or any combination of the following:

                               “Oh good. Glad she found someone that would take her.”

                 “Man she seems to have settled”

              “Oh it looks like he settled a bit"

 “Well, she finally found someone, I mean I would never marry him (or him).  But I am so glad they found each other.”

                      “She (or he) must have said yes to the first person that would take her (or him)”

I can think of all kinds of patronizing and unkind things that people could say. I know people can make very unkind and uneducated judgments about someone else and their relationship. I know it because I have heard it, seen it, and even occasionally said it. Part of me dreads the day when I will face the final judgment or commentary on my single worth. I recoil to think that people will taint my love with thoughts that I was single because I did something wrong, that somehow I have caused this. Or that I am single because I am far from loveable. However, I this fear is ridiculous for the following reasons:

1.       It is a waste of time to worry about potential, future hurt feelings.

2.       I really don’t care how much anyone else likes me or likes my future husband as long as we like each other.

3.       People that know and love me, they KNOW and LOVE me.

4.     Most people are kind at heart and want good things for other people. Most people don't want to unkindly judge. 

As we were leaving the restaurant I slipped into the bathroom. If I know that I am going to be at Little America I do everything in my power to make sure that I will need to use the bathroom. You might be wondering why, or you might just be wondering why I am talking about it, but it is the BEST bathroom ever. It has luxurious, warm light and mirrors everywhere. The first room is carpeted and has vanity tables lining the wall with a lamps on each. If you walk a little further you come to marble floors and the walls are wallpapered with a beautiful, feminine, pink textured paper or they are partially marble. In addition it is one of those wonderful bathrooms where you don’t have to touch very many things. The toilets automaticly flush, the sinks have sensors… you know the drill. It always adds to the luxury to not have to touch anything in a public bathroom even though in this little slice of heaven it would be my pleasure.  Even the soap is very aptly named Elegante! (see below I am not making this up. The soap does have an exclamation point on it.)

Now you are probably wondering less about the exclamation point and more about my point. It is this: Very few people care about that bathroom other than me. I am sure the hotel does not consider their bathrooms to be their showcase piece. They probably prefer their beautiful lobby, their restaurants, or their ideal downtown location, but for me it’s all about the bathrooms. Other people have been to the hotel and probably not used the lobby bathrooms or maybe they have but weren’t quite as taken with them as I. Some people probably just think of them as functional (which they are) and maybe think they are a bit nicer than others, but nothing to write home about. But for me, the bathroom at Little America is the one. In the end the thing that separates the one from every other one is not how he/she looks or how many other people find value in him/her, it’s all about how you feel. It doesn’t matter if someone else would or does find your relationship mundane. True love feels right, feels fancy, and feels special to you.  I know that because I have been to the Little America Bathroom and when I am there I 
feel elegante! 


-Not Desperate in SLC
Applicable song:
Lets Hear It for the Boy- Deniece Williams

Funky Town

Today I had an off day. Isn’t it funny, nope that is not the right word, predictable that the adversary piles extra pain on the minute you feel a bit unsteady. How quickly an off moment brings back years of off moments or a hick-up in a day feels like a face plant. How when you stack all the mistakes, misfortunes, mishaps, and miscommunications from past relationships on top of one another it can be hard not to have a distorted view of reality. Am I the only one that starts to feel a restrictive amount of negative the moment one unfortunate thing happens? I lovingly refer to this mood as a funk. The problem with a funk is that, aside from it being funky, this pile of my past can get so high that I start to feel claustrophobic. I don’t have an inordinate amount of past but when you have been dating for more than ten years you will inevitably be left with a pile of unsuccessful moments. I am ok with the fact that these moments exists, I experienced them and worked through them at the time. But, I start to feel overwhelmed when it is all piled in front of my face.

Why? Why is it in a pile? Why do I let things from the past (things that I have already understood, overcome, and moved beyond) come back to haunt me? So what if boyfriend x said something that hurt my feelings? So what if once I lost me in someone’s shadow? So what if I have had relationships that ended messy, or ended quickly, or ended yucky? So what if there are moments that I would rather not relive?

I have made the repairs to heart, soul, self, and spirit that needed to be made and moved forward. So why on a random, meaningless day in July do I find myself buried under memories that I have already gotten over?  I will tell you why. To quote The Killers “God gives us hope, but we still fear what we don’t know. The mind is poison.” I will tell you what I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a completely successful dating relationship. I don’t know what it feels like to have a romantic relationship that doesn’t end in take backs, misunderstanding, awkward encounters, embarrassment, and frustration. That is just the nature of the break-up beast. Dating is highly emotional (meaning feelings are involved) so when it ends that is also emotional (again feelings are involved).

So how can we get out from under a funk? One fool proof technique is to start remembering all the good from the past. Even the worst situations have positives. I am not talking about good moments in a relationship, although there are plenty; I am talking about the good that is learned. I have learned things that have gotten me over heartaches, headaches, and identity crises. I have learned about friendship, fun, and sadness. I have learned countless things, but most of all I have learned that each dating experience is better than the last. So there is no point dragging out the dirt from former failures. I am not stuck under my past but rather standing on top of it; lifted up by a pile of experiences both positive and negative. Each experience adds a bit more height and, when I don’t allow myself to be pushed down into an unnecessary funk, I actually have a pretty remarkable view. 

-Not Desperate in SLC

Applicable songs:

The Killers- A Dustland Fairytale

John Mayer- The Heart of Life

Internal Clock

Sometimes my roommate and I will re-plan our lives based on our current time frame.

"So if I met someone tomorrow and we dated for X months and then we were engage for X months then I could have a fall wedding, oh I love a good fall wedding, and then we could be married exactly X months/years before we had our first kid and then we could space the next 3 to 6 kids out by 2 years and I would be... wait how old would I be at then end of that whole process? But I wanted to be done having kids by 35. How can I make that happen?" Ok. Let's rework this imaginary life with a man I am not yet dating like I have control over all of these things that I have no control over.

Have any of you done that? I am willing to admit it; I have, more than once. If you haven't then that's super, but I am a detail oriented girl I always plan in details. Before I moved into an apartment I once drew the floor plan (as close to scale as i could) and then took my pencil and "moved in". I drew furniture. Arranged and rearrange my new apartment when I actually got there the move in was seamless. I set everything up the way I had planed, went and bought the things I planned to buy. My new apartment looked just the I way imagined it, I felt peace, power, and the ultimate control. I had created the exact existence I had wanted, everything went as planned.

However, that was only an apartment and deciding where to put a couch is a lot different from deciding when to fall in love. I can't draw a man on a piece of paper and rearrange his qualities and features until I am satisfied. Then pay a deposit and move into a new relationship at the first of the month. So maybe sometimes we don't get to feel power, probably we never have the ultimate power, but we absolutely can find peace.

Peace can be ours if we want it and seek it. I am not going to get more into my testimony of the peace that comes through a relationship with Christ and an understanding of His atonement and His teachings. But know that I do have a testimony. That it is a knowledge born through experience, through seeking an understanding, and through faith when both my experience and knowledge are insufficient. I know that peace comes through Him because I have found it and felt it repeatedly. I cannot speak lightly of this because I do not feel lightly about it, peace is so important.

But let me say that although my life does not always play out according to the detailed drawing I have created in my mind, my life does always work for my good. I look back on years that I have remained in my single state and I am so grateful for it. I have learned so much about myself, I have had experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise, and i have gotten to form stronger relationships with family and friends. Most importantly though, I have learned much about peace and how to give up the desire for control and power and replace it for the desire to do my Father in Heaven's will.

- Not Desperate in SLC
applicable links:
The ultimate peace can only be found in Jesus Christ. If you want to know more about this topic, as taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, do any or all of the following things: 
go here
or read this
or pray for your own testimony of peace and your own understanding of how to find it.

applicable songs:
Where Can I Turn For Peace
Be Still My Soul

World Spins Madly On

I read this yesterday and thought about all of us:

"In happiness there is more energy to expend. With misery, there is first a holding back in hesitancy and then a falling back in despair." (The Enoch Letters, Maxwell, pg 44)

I absolutely agree; energy is wasted with unhappiness. Just think how much more sleep you need when you are sad. As a single person pretty much all of our time is discretionary time, meaning we get to pick how to spend it. Some of you might take issue with this, might want to argue all the things that you have to do. I don't doubt that there are plenty of things that you need to do in a day. We all have obligations and responsibilities; some work, school, church, family, or even social. However, we really do get to choose what we do. School or work, exercise or lounge, read or go to the movies, I could go on. The point is we pick how to use our time and we pick if we waste our energy feeling sad about the few things that aren't discretionary. There are always going to be things we can't change, can't control, and can't choose but that doesn't mean that we can't change, can't control, can't choose our attitude about it.

Take some time think about where you could tighten your belt, budget your emotions so that you can better distribute your time. I promise when you kick out the unnecessary, unproductive thoughts and feelings that waste so much time and energy you will be surprised how more you have. Don't waste what you've got feeling sad about what you don't have. You have more then you know and the more you focus on what you have the more you will learn about who you are and what you really have the resources to accomplish.

The world spins madly on, don't let your self be hesitant or kicked back in despair. Move on, move forward, and as my mom would say, find your happy face.

-Not Desperate in SLC

Applicable songs:---  (I am linking for the sake of the music, not the video. Sometimes I can't find the actual music video so I just use what I can find.)

World Spins Madly On: The Weepies
The Heart of Life: John Mayer
Joyful Girl: Ani Difranco

Where Does The Good Go?

I was reading something I wrote a while ago and was surprised to realize that I am relearning this same lesson again right now.  

“Without going into detail I will just say that time after time potential romancers have come in and out of the picture in the most surprising ways. I take disappointment after disappointment and usually just kept on going. But I have started to take a little more notice; the single stuff has started to get to me. It can be hard to not see patterns in dating as a reflection on me. After all, I am always the common denominator in my dating life, and it is not a huge reach to think that something could be my fault. I can get to feeling a little worn-down and determined to not repeat the same patterns. 

I think this must be a common single girl pitfall. We get so accustomed to bracing ourselves for disappointment that we don't know how to not see disappointment everywhere. I will illustrate what I mean. 

There is a new man in my life. We will call him "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" (because that is what he is). This dude is great; the stuff dreams are made of. By some unknown change of events the last couple of weeks he has been paying attention to me. I disregarded his attention at first but once it hit the point where I could no longer pretend I was imaging it, I immediately started to sabotage. Not full out sabotage, just little mental and emotional blocks started to go up everywhere. 

  

You might wonder why I would do this and you would be right to wonder. It can feel like good and interested guys are an elusive almost theoretical creature for single women. We believe they exist because we have heard rumors of them and we have friends that have managed to marry one. However, sometimes it seems like finding a nice, attractive, righteous, and interested guy is as likely as being asked out by the loch ness monster. (It just doesn't really happen. Please don't see this as a slam on men, it's not. Most of them are having an equally hard time finding what they are looking for in us.)

The point is that this creature has eluded me for so many years that when I saw one in my life, I panicked. After a great weekend with a great guy I have spent the week beyond miserable, thinking incessantly of every potential negative outcome, keeping myself braced for the inevitable hit of disappointment and feeling constantly sick to my stomach. Today I even poured scalding hot soup on my hand because I was too distracted to remember the golden rule "never tip over a cup with scalding hot soup". 

This has got to stop. I have two options. I either never allow men like "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" into my life or I remember things that I already know and stop acting like a lunatic.
 

Here is what I already know: 

I have a lot to offer and I like myself.

I am a joyful girl. 

I am fun and happy and should not, nor do I want to, be a big downer.

I know that this life is one of happiness and goodness beyond our imagination if we allow it and look for it. 

I know that I have been disappointed in the past and will be disappointed again; I know that is ok.

I know that bracing for disappointment doesn't make it easier to take when it comes and it ruins the process.

I know that I have no control over others or what they think, feel, and do.

I know most events in life are not a reflection on me, and are especially not some commentary on what I am worth.

I know that I have a lot of great people in my life that are cheering for me and love me.

I know that I am brave and I can do hard things.

I know that I have control over me.

Most importantly I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and always looks out for me. He has never left me or led me down the wrong path and I am always safe with Him. I have been disappointed before. However, I would never go back and change any of it because, in the end, I was always just fine and I will still be just fine. I know that it may not be this guy, but there is a guy who will be my beacon of hope and light and I am not in such a hurry to find him that I should ruin opportunities with him or others by being a pessimist.”

I dated that guy for a while and then, like so many others things, it ended and ended badly. I started to see myself drift right back to where I had been previously; disappointed, discouraged, and deflated. There is a really big flaw in that kind of living though. It’s not really livable. 

Even now as I try to be open to different guys I still have to fight the instinct. I have to brace myself for what can seem like the inevitable. But even at its worst the disappointment isn’t impossible and I learn something every time. The best part about disappointment is it draws me closer to my Father in Heaven and after all is said and done I end with one more dose of strength, knowledge, power, and an even stronger testimony of the Atonement. 

So to every disappointment that will come; I don't know what you will be or when you will hit, but I am waiting here totally vulnerable and unprepared because there are worse things than being unprepared for disappointment, and one of them is being prepared for it.

-Not Desperate in SLC

applicable songs for this post:
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
True Love Will Find You in the End- Mates of State
Hit Me With Your Best Shot- Pat Benatar
Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley
Another Heartbreak- BNL
Happy Ending- Mika

Flirting; it can be a real tedious work

I have never been the type of girl that can compel random guys to ask me out on dates in an effort to get to know me better. That is just not me. I am the kind of girl that guys become friends with and then somehow (almost accidentally) end up dating. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I abhor first dates. If I never had to go on another first date I think that I could carry on very happily. This is also not a pity party thing. I don't think it's about being less desirable; it's just about having (or not having, as the case may be) a certain je ne sais quoi.

I for sure have plenty je ne sais quoi but it is just not the kind that encourages dates. This has never really bugged me before and bugged wouldn't be the right word for how I feel about it now; intrigued, I guess. I used to think that falling in love should be totally organic and natural and not be the product of something deliberate. I think that it is absurd to use "games" (i.e. manipulation and deceit) as a means to know someone. However, maybe deliberate efforts to be your best self might be a different thing. It takes a heavy dose of vulnerability to repeatedly put yourself out there when it hasn't worked out in the past. Maybe that level of vulnerability is unnatural for everyone.

I tell myself flirting should just happen, that it should be whatever comes naturally. But, it isn't natural for me to hold eye contact or smile at someone I don't know. It isn't natural for me to flirt, but that doesn't make it unnatural. It doesn't mean that when I flirt it's phony. Flirting is deliberate, it has to be. The kind of flirting that comes without a thought isn't productive. Girls shouldn't flirt just to be a flirt. Flirting should have a purpose. Deliberate flirting never comes naturally, by definition it takes thought and effort. But you know what they say about how great things don't come easily.

Dating can be uncomfortable sometimes, it can be embarrassing, and it can be awkward. It is not as glamorous as movies make it out to be. In fact, dating is probably the least romantic thing a person can do. First date after first date, or even more awkward blind date after blind date. Will he call me? Do I want him to call me? Should I call him? Does he have what I am looking for? Do I know what I am looking for? The whole process can be gut-wrenchingly tedious and disappointing.

But just take a moment and think about:

The butterflies when someone holds eye contact back.

When someone smiles at you.

A really great first date.

All the hope that comes with potential.

When someone wants to see you again and again.

That first touch.

Once you start to get each others inside jokes, family references, and movie quotes.

The list could go on and on. All the fun stuff about dating.

Isn't all awkwardness and the potential negative worth the potential for positive? Isn't even a short lived relationship worth the risk, worth stepping out of the comfortable into the uneasy. Worth moving away from the norm into the uncomfortable, abnormal, sometimes tedious and terrifying world of flirting? Meeting people and dating does not always come naturally and it is not all giggles, stolen glances, and jaunts in the park. But, taking that step out of my comfort zone is always worth it because the sad and frustrating moments are fleeting. Plus, without the uncomfortable, uneasy, and unnatural efforts to meet people I would never get to my favorite part of dating. That moment when things get so comfortable, so easy, and so natural. That moment that reminds me how fantastic an authentic interaction can be. The memory of those moments won't let me stoop to playing games but demands that I stay willing to be vulnerable, get nervous, and work on my flirting.

-Not Desperate in SLC

I am Woman Hear me Roar?: Part One

This is something I wrote a while ago:

Today I came home from a long day at work, most of my days are long. I read a post from all of your dear and inspiring blogs and tried to force my mind to let go of the offensive thing someone said to me at work.

I started to think about things (something I do a lot) and think about me (something I do even more). Recently I have gotten to know a guy that is a bit challenging. Some might even call him a chauvinist, and by some I mean most of us. Actually, if we are being honest (which we always are), that's kinda his nickname in most circles. At least the circles that I am in and the circles that don't know him, except through the stories that I have told. But hey, I am not saying that everyone would find him arrogant and sometimes hard to be around, or even that I always do.

It's kinda odd...

I am getting ahead of myself. So this guy is a chauvinist. And has especially chauvinistic opinions about me and has freely expressed such opinions more than once. (Don't worry "some day I will find someone that will like me enough that they won't mind it"-it being my personality). So my initial reaction to the challenge to fit my gender roles more appropriately was, as I am sure you can imagine, to pretty much tell him to stuff his "gender rolls" in his own oven. I debated with him some of the finer points of dating and my apparent inability to do it appropriately on more than one occasion. I was strong, I was bold, I was well... kinda mean sometimes. one night after he and his roommate left i felt sad and sick and embarrassed. Not because I didn't believe the things I had said but because I didn't agree with what all of it implied about me.

I couldn't sleep that night. The next morning I realized I had a bad case of what we'll call extremefemininitis. I let myself fall into the trap of proving how great women can be by acting as far from womanly as I could. Yeah the feminist movement has made it possible for us to be almost anything and anyone we want, great. So why do we seem to keep choosing to just be awful? Being strong doesn't mean you fight anyone that looks at you wrong or kick anyone that kicks you first. Strength is being sympathetic and forgiving. Being powerful isn't the same as being the boss of everyone around you. Being bold isn't being louder than someone else or saying something no one else will say (sometimes no one is saying it because it shouldn't be said). Being strong and bold is not being afraid to be who you want and who you are meant to be. It's not letting your goals become weakened by others' ignorance and fear. I am sad about all the women who have let themselves get lost in trying to prove that they can be the same as men. Equal is not same; same is not equal. There are so many aspects of gender that are innate and eternal. We are good at different things for a reason, and we are good at different things.

I have a very kind heart, I always have. But for some silly reason i have spent years trying to diminish it. My heart is made of pure kindness and filled to the brim with love. Granted, it does have its patches of sassiness and the occasional stitches of cynicism but there is more good than bad. So why do I let myself be baited into pretending I am filled with more hardness than softness? Why do we let the world dictate what it means to be a strong woman? Being tough and hard are bad qualities in meat (or so I am told, I am not much of a meat eater) but they are especially unappealing in women. (Yes, I did just compare women to meat. Eat that feminist everywhere.)

I am thankful for women that are their own special kind of strong and the men that "like them enough that they don't mind it". I am thankful for our differences and I am thankful for all of our shared potential. I am thankful that, most of the time, I am me. I am thankful that I can be brave, but I am especially thankful that I am so kindhearted it makes me weak sometimes- okay a lot of the time.

Sometimes I don't want to roar.

It turns out, with a softer heart, this chauvinist I know, isn't so bad

It turns out neither am I.

-Not Desperate in SLC


Applicable songs:
I Enjoy Being A Girl- Doris Day
You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Women- Carole King or Aretha Franklin depending on your mood

Your Time Will Come

I am the baby of my family and when I was young, always felt a little behind. I remember how desperately I wanted to grow-up, to be in the same place as those around me. One night in particular we were sitting at the dinner table and my dad had just read one of his favorite poems (yeah that's my family, we often discussed literature at the dinner table). After he finished he looked up at the group and said, "Can anyone tell me what this poem is about?" I was really excited for him to get to me, in my mind I had a real gem to share. Finally, it was my turn. The whole table turned in my direction; my dad gave me a loving and sympathetic smile and as I open my mouth to begin he said, "Don't worry, your time will come." At the time my dad's words of encouragement broke my little, over-eager heart. In the years since then it has been one of our favorite family jokes.

Being single can sometimes feel like eagerly waiting for your time come. Finding the right person can be tricky, it can take time. Yet, we somehow feel behind if love doesn't come quickly and easily. We start to feel like there is something missing, something more than love and companionship; something off about you. Why do we do that? Why do we start to search for irrational answers when the rational ones are right in front of us and widely accepted by everyone. Being alone can be well... lonely. Why make it worse by adding self-deprecation and doubt. Here's the point: there is a way to be single and not be sad about yourself. There is no reason to further the stereotype that being single and female makes you desperate. 

The fact is that over the years my time has come repeatedly. Every time I learn something new or work hard to achieve a goal. When I graduated college or when I got my first big girl job. When I get to spend time with my family or see the way my nieces and nephews look at me. Really anytime I feel like a good, genuine version of myself my time has come. So why would I feel like my time has to wait for marriage? I want to get married because I value family and marriage; I am not going to pretend like I don't. I don't have to take value out of marriage to find the value in my current life. It's all about balance. Being able to be happy and secure as a single girl does not mean that I don't really want marriage. But, caring about marriage does not make me desperate. I am a lot of things and for sure a work in progress, but I am anything but desperate.

--- Not Desperate in SLC