Disclaiming and Validating

(Disclaimer #1: I know that it may not bode well to start a post with a disclaimer but it’s my blog and I will disclaim if I want to (written to the tune of It’s My Party and I Will Cry If I Want To). Now to the real disclaimer which maybe should be consider disclaimer #2 since that first comment was its own disclaimer allowing me to disclaim this… This post is highly emotional and not at all funny, sorry. Also, this should be obvious, what I say on this blog is entirely my opinion (again my blog)).

Whenever I go shopping at the Gateway Mall I always seem to go to at least one store that does not validate. I find that I am filled with the same confusion each time I hear the words, “Oh, we don’t validate here”. No matter how often I hear it, those words sound to me as if they are spoken in a foreign language. I don’t understand… you don’t what?  Why wouldn’t you validate? I am sure that as a company, some cost is incurred with each validation that they provide, but so what? Plus, I imagine there is a cost benefit comparison that would come out in favor of providing validation. However, maybe I am wrong. Clearly dopes like me continue to frequent these stores well after the lack of validation is learned, so the stores must be able to get away with it.

I have been thinking a lot about validation lately. How much we need to be validated and how often we will continue to frequent a relationship long after we learn that they don’t validate there. I have wondered if we need it, or if maybe we just think we do; perhaps we just want validation. Should it ever be the responsibility of someone else to provide validation that will cover our emotional tolls? Or, is the cost incurred with life one that we must always pay alone?

After a lot of thought I must say that my answer to all of the above questions is yes.

Yes we need validation.

Yes it needs to come from others. 

Yes sometimes we want more validation than we need.

Yes it is our responsibility to pay a certain price in order to get where we want.

Yes there is someone that has already paid the ultimate price for all.

Yes.

Let’s first talk short term parking. Obviously, the longer that you park your heart in a certain relationship with any given person, the higher the cost. As the emotional cost increases it becomes more difficult to expect that one person should eat that whole cost without help. For example, when you have only been on a few dates with someone you will probably notice a certain cost. You may feel vulnerable or uncertain; you may feel worried and insecure. You will naturally hope that this person will validate you, easing your emotional toll. However, you may find, “Oh, we don’t validate here” to be the response to your desire.  At this point in your relationship, as much as you may crave their validation, you don’t need it. You are not currently paying enough to park that you need help to cover the cost. Early in a relationship we cannot demand validation; we must be capable enough to pay the full price.

Again, after only a few dates the emotional toll will not be that steep. If, even early on, you are not capable of covering your own cost to participate in a new relationship, that is a whole other issue and one that no extent of outside validation will resolve. You need to find a way to be able to cover the beginning costs of emotional parking. If you don’t know how, stay tuned and we will discuss one type of validation that will help. If you do know how, but are just lazy or tired, get over that. Do what you need to do; pep talks from friends, distraction, prayer, scripture study, flirt with someone else… whatever works, do it. Too early in a relationship it is inappropriate to ask for money or means to cover your emotional state.


Now, let’s talk long term relationship parking. As you spend more time and more cost starts to add up, you will need help. At this point, it is not only appropriate but expected that the relationship you are frequenting will provide validation. Keep in mind that everyone is different; each will need different amounts of validations and may be equip with different abilities to validate another. Use your discretion on what is necessary in your own relationships. I will illustrate my point with examples:

First, a person is in a committed dating relationship, the couple has been involved for quite some time and both would acknowledge that things have moved beyond short term parking. However, one part of this relationship duo still doubts how safe it is to park herself with her boyfriend. She is constantly in doubt and feels insecure in their relationship. These insecurities are not unwarranted because her boyfriend does not participate in validation. I don’t know why he doesn’t, maybe he is not good at it or maybe he doesn’t realize she needs it… who knows. The point is that while incurring more and more emotional cost she has the right to expect some type of validation. It is not weak or stupid for her to look to him to pay some of their relationship toll.



I will allow for the fact that things can ebb and flow in life. Couples may find it necessary, at specific times, to cover the cost for their spouse. Occasionally one person may feel particularly poor and need extra validation. However, there is an emotional average that is necessary for a healthy relationship and it demands that both parties give freely and equally. The men in both scenarios need to make amends, grow up, and start realizing what it means to participate in a relationship.

(Disclaimer #2/3 (depending on how you are counting): This is not intended to berate men. There are many men that are willing to pay their share in a relationship. These particular examples have come up around me recently and that is why they were used. We all know that being selfish and unkind in a relationship is not gender specific and all need to be aware of the needs of others. We all need to remember that participation in relationships is not a right but a choice and it, like everything, demands a certain price be paid by all involved).

Finally, let’s talk about a very specific and very unique form of validation and that is the eternal and endless price paid by Jesus Christ. Through Christ’s atonement all cost associated with any and all emotional tolls have already been paid and validated. All have the ability to call on His eternal gift to fill in the gaps so often left by life. If you find yourself unable to pay even the smallest emotional price, He will cover you. If you find you’re temporarily short on funds, He will cover you. If you end up in a sad situation where you are asked to bare the entire burden for yourself and others (either by selfishness and poor choices of another or by unfortunate accident), he will cover you. If you feel unable to validate others, He will teach you and then also cover you until you can. It doesn’t matter what type of toll or what the cost He can and will cover you if you will just ask.

In summation it can be hard to hear, “Oh, we don’t validate here,” but it seems inevitably that at some point or another we will find ourselves in a store that will not validate. My advice: First, check your own funds and be honest with yourself. Do you really need to be validated or do you just want it? Are you in a position (i.e. how long have you been parked) to expect that someone should help cover the cost? If you have honestly and accurately accounted for your situation and find that you do need help to pay the emotional price you have three options:

1. Ask for validation in a calm and mature manner (yes it is ok and often necessary to communicate needs and expectations in relationships. It is neither desperate nor unromantic to be honest, specific, and open in your communication. Never making efforts to communicate (i.e. feeling that you do not need to) is not a sign that a relationship is extra healthy, it’s a sign of naivety and immaturity… again remember I am expressing my opinions. If you disagree that’s fine, but I imagine you and I should never date.)

2. Try finding ways/ learning to need less validation. Sometimes we have some healing to do that makes us more vulnerable in relationships. It is wise to heal first so that we never have to feel desperate and needy when involved with others. Use the atonement in all things and become your best, most healthy self. If you do, you will find that you can have more realistic expectations of others and through that you will be happier in all parking endeavors.

3. Don’t park there. If you cannot feel safe and covered in your current parking spot, move your emotions elsewhere. If you are dating, this is easier and absolutely necessary. Take courage in the knowledge that you have the right to get reasonable and basic needs met by your partner. If he/she will not or cannot provide necessary validation take your heart to another place. Do not marry someone if you do not feel safe and loved. If you are married, this is obviously trickier. I do not take divorce lightly and see it as a last resort and rarely the solution to a problem. In the case of marriage ask for help from a professional and be sure to apply heaping amounts of Christ’s healing atonement. Find the help you need in Him and pray to Heavenly Father for the appropriate answers and solutions to your particular and unique situation.

Most of all understand that you are not alone. We all are trying our best. Relationships are tricky and can be scary at times. Be honest and understanding of yourself and of others and I am confident we can all find ourselves a safe place to park.


-Not Desperate in SLC


Applicable songs:
Barenaked Ladies- I Can, I Will, I Do
not a song but applicable