Funky Town

Today I had an off day. Isn’t it funny, nope that is not the right word, predictable that the adversary piles extra pain on the minute you feel a bit unsteady. How quickly an off moment brings back years of off moments or a hick-up in a day feels like a face plant. How when you stack all the mistakes, misfortunes, mishaps, and miscommunications from past relationships on top of one another it can be hard not to have a distorted view of reality. Am I the only one that starts to feel a restrictive amount of negative the moment one unfortunate thing happens? I lovingly refer to this mood as a funk. The problem with a funk is that, aside from it being funky, this pile of my past can get so high that I start to feel claustrophobic. I don’t have an inordinate amount of past but when you have been dating for more than ten years you will inevitably be left with a pile of unsuccessful moments. I am ok with the fact that these moments exists, I experienced them and worked through them at the time. But, I start to feel overwhelmed when it is all piled in front of my face.

Why? Why is it in a pile? Why do I let things from the past (things that I have already understood, overcome, and moved beyond) come back to haunt me? So what if boyfriend x said something that hurt my feelings? So what if once I lost me in someone’s shadow? So what if I have had relationships that ended messy, or ended quickly, or ended yucky? So what if there are moments that I would rather not relive?

I have made the repairs to heart, soul, self, and spirit that needed to be made and moved forward. So why on a random, meaningless day in July do I find myself buried under memories that I have already gotten over?  I will tell you why. To quote The Killers “God gives us hope, but we still fear what we don’t know. The mind is poison.” I will tell you what I don’t know. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a completely successful dating relationship. I don’t know what it feels like to have a romantic relationship that doesn’t end in take backs, misunderstanding, awkward encounters, embarrassment, and frustration. That is just the nature of the break-up beast. Dating is highly emotional (meaning feelings are involved) so when it ends that is also emotional (again feelings are involved).

So how can we get out from under a funk? One fool proof technique is to start remembering all the good from the past. Even the worst situations have positives. I am not talking about good moments in a relationship, although there are plenty; I am talking about the good that is learned. I have learned things that have gotten me over heartaches, headaches, and identity crises. I have learned about friendship, fun, and sadness. I have learned countless things, but most of all I have learned that each dating experience is better than the last. So there is no point dragging out the dirt from former failures. I am not stuck under my past but rather standing on top of it; lifted up by a pile of experiences both positive and negative. Each experience adds a bit more height and, when I don’t allow myself to be pushed down into an unnecessary funk, I actually have a pretty remarkable view. 

-Not Desperate in SLC

Applicable songs:

The Killers- A Dustland Fairytale

John Mayer- The Heart of Life

Internal Clock

Sometimes my roommate and I will re-plan our lives based on our current time frame.

"So if I met someone tomorrow and we dated for X months and then we were engage for X months then I could have a fall wedding, oh I love a good fall wedding, and then we could be married exactly X months/years before we had our first kid and then we could space the next 3 to 6 kids out by 2 years and I would be... wait how old would I be at then end of that whole process? But I wanted to be done having kids by 35. How can I make that happen?" Ok. Let's rework this imaginary life with a man I am not yet dating like I have control over all of these things that I have no control over.

Have any of you done that? I am willing to admit it; I have, more than once. If you haven't then that's super, but I am a detail oriented girl I always plan in details. Before I moved into an apartment I once drew the floor plan (as close to scale as i could) and then took my pencil and "moved in". I drew furniture. Arranged and rearrange my new apartment when I actually got there the move in was seamless. I set everything up the way I had planed, went and bought the things I planned to buy. My new apartment looked just the I way imagined it, I felt peace, power, and the ultimate control. I had created the exact existence I had wanted, everything went as planned.

However, that was only an apartment and deciding where to put a couch is a lot different from deciding when to fall in love. I can't draw a man on a piece of paper and rearrange his qualities and features until I am satisfied. Then pay a deposit and move into a new relationship at the first of the month. So maybe sometimes we don't get to feel power, probably we never have the ultimate power, but we absolutely can find peace.

Peace can be ours if we want it and seek it. I am not going to get more into my testimony of the peace that comes through a relationship with Christ and an understanding of His atonement and His teachings. But know that I do have a testimony. That it is a knowledge born through experience, through seeking an understanding, and through faith when both my experience and knowledge are insufficient. I know that peace comes through Him because I have found it and felt it repeatedly. I cannot speak lightly of this because I do not feel lightly about it, peace is so important.

But let me say that although my life does not always play out according to the detailed drawing I have created in my mind, my life does always work for my good. I look back on years that I have remained in my single state and I am so grateful for it. I have learned so much about myself, I have had experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise, and i have gotten to form stronger relationships with family and friends. Most importantly though, I have learned much about peace and how to give up the desire for control and power and replace it for the desire to do my Father in Heaven's will.

- Not Desperate in SLC
applicable links:
The ultimate peace can only be found in Jesus Christ. If you want to know more about this topic, as taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, do any or all of the following things: 
go here
or read this
or pray for your own testimony of peace and your own understanding of how to find it.

applicable songs:
Where Can I Turn For Peace
Be Still My Soul

World Spins Madly On

I read this yesterday and thought about all of us:

"In happiness there is more energy to expend. With misery, there is first a holding back in hesitancy and then a falling back in despair." (The Enoch Letters, Maxwell, pg 44)

I absolutely agree; energy is wasted with unhappiness. Just think how much more sleep you need when you are sad. As a single person pretty much all of our time is discretionary time, meaning we get to pick how to spend it. Some of you might take issue with this, might want to argue all the things that you have to do. I don't doubt that there are plenty of things that you need to do in a day. We all have obligations and responsibilities; some work, school, church, family, or even social. However, we really do get to choose what we do. School or work, exercise or lounge, read or go to the movies, I could go on. The point is we pick how to use our time and we pick if we waste our energy feeling sad about the few things that aren't discretionary. There are always going to be things we can't change, can't control, and can't choose but that doesn't mean that we can't change, can't control, can't choose our attitude about it.

Take some time think about where you could tighten your belt, budget your emotions so that you can better distribute your time. I promise when you kick out the unnecessary, unproductive thoughts and feelings that waste so much time and energy you will be surprised how more you have. Don't waste what you've got feeling sad about what you don't have. You have more then you know and the more you focus on what you have the more you will learn about who you are and what you really have the resources to accomplish.

The world spins madly on, don't let your self be hesitant or kicked back in despair. Move on, move forward, and as my mom would say, find your happy face.

-Not Desperate in SLC

Applicable songs:---  (I am linking for the sake of the music, not the video. Sometimes I can't find the actual music video so I just use what I can find.)

World Spins Madly On: The Weepies
The Heart of Life: John Mayer
Joyful Girl: Ani Difranco

Where Does The Good Go?

I was reading something I wrote a while ago and was surprised to realize that I am relearning this same lesson again right now.  

“Without going into detail I will just say that time after time potential romancers have come in and out of the picture in the most surprising ways. I take disappointment after disappointment and usually just kept on going. But I have started to take a little more notice; the single stuff has started to get to me. It can be hard to not see patterns in dating as a reflection on me. After all, I am always the common denominator in my dating life, and it is not a huge reach to think that something could be my fault. I can get to feeling a little worn-down and determined to not repeat the same patterns. 

I think this must be a common single girl pitfall. We get so accustomed to bracing ourselves for disappointment that we don't know how to not see disappointment everywhere. I will illustrate what I mean. 

There is a new man in my life. We will call him "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" (because that is what he is). This dude is great; the stuff dreams are made of. By some unknown change of events the last couple of weeks he has been paying attention to me. I disregarded his attention at first but once it hit the point where I could no longer pretend I was imaging it, I immediately started to sabotage. Not full out sabotage, just little mental and emotional blocks started to go up everywhere. 

  

You might wonder why I would do this and you would be right to wonder. It can feel like good and interested guys are an elusive almost theoretical creature for single women. We believe they exist because we have heard rumors of them and we have friends that have managed to marry one. However, sometimes it seems like finding a nice, attractive, righteous, and interested guy is as likely as being asked out by the loch ness monster. (It just doesn't really happen. Please don't see this as a slam on men, it's not. Most of them are having an equally hard time finding what they are looking for in us.)

The point is that this creature has eluded me for so many years that when I saw one in my life, I panicked. After a great weekend with a great guy I have spent the week beyond miserable, thinking incessantly of every potential negative outcome, keeping myself braced for the inevitable hit of disappointment and feeling constantly sick to my stomach. Today I even poured scalding hot soup on my hand because I was too distracted to remember the golden rule "never tip over a cup with scalding hot soup". 

This has got to stop. I have two options. I either never allow men like "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" into my life or I remember things that I already know and stop acting like a lunatic.
 

Here is what I already know: 

I have a lot to offer and I like myself.

I am a joyful girl. 

I am fun and happy and should not, nor do I want to, be a big downer.

I know that this life is one of happiness and goodness beyond our imagination if we allow it and look for it. 

I know that I have been disappointed in the past and will be disappointed again; I know that is ok.

I know that bracing for disappointment doesn't make it easier to take when it comes and it ruins the process.

I know that I have no control over others or what they think, feel, and do.

I know most events in life are not a reflection on me, and are especially not some commentary on what I am worth.

I know that I have a lot of great people in my life that are cheering for me and love me.

I know that I am brave and I can do hard things.

I know that I have control over me.

Most importantly I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and always looks out for me. He has never left me or led me down the wrong path and I am always safe with Him. I have been disappointed before. However, I would never go back and change any of it because, in the end, I was always just fine and I will still be just fine. I know that it may not be this guy, but there is a guy who will be my beacon of hope and light and I am not in such a hurry to find him that I should ruin opportunities with him or others by being a pessimist.”

I dated that guy for a while and then, like so many others things, it ended and ended badly. I started to see myself drift right back to where I had been previously; disappointed, discouraged, and deflated. There is a really big flaw in that kind of living though. It’s not really livable. 

Even now as I try to be open to different guys I still have to fight the instinct. I have to brace myself for what can seem like the inevitable. But even at its worst the disappointment isn’t impossible and I learn something every time. The best part about disappointment is it draws me closer to my Father in Heaven and after all is said and done I end with one more dose of strength, knowledge, power, and an even stronger testimony of the Atonement. 

So to every disappointment that will come; I don't know what you will be or when you will hit, but I am waiting here totally vulnerable and unprepared because there are worse things than being unprepared for disappointment, and one of them is being prepared for it.

-Not Desperate in SLC

applicable songs for this post:
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
True Love Will Find You in the End- Mates of State
Hit Me With Your Best Shot- Pat Benatar
Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley
Another Heartbreak- BNL
Happy Ending- Mika