Where Does The Good Go?

I was reading something I wrote a while ago and was surprised to realize that I am relearning this same lesson again right now.  

“Without going into detail I will just say that time after time potential romancers have come in and out of the picture in the most surprising ways. I take disappointment after disappointment and usually just kept on going. But I have started to take a little more notice; the single stuff has started to get to me. It can be hard to not see patterns in dating as a reflection on me. After all, I am always the common denominator in my dating life, and it is not a huge reach to think that something could be my fault. I can get to feeling a little worn-down and determined to not repeat the same patterns. 

I think this must be a common single girl pitfall. We get so accustomed to bracing ourselves for disappointment that we don't know how to not see disappointment everywhere. I will illustrate what I mean. 

There is a new man in my life. We will call him "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" (because that is what he is). This dude is great; the stuff dreams are made of. By some unknown change of events the last couple of weeks he has been paying attention to me. I disregarded his attention at first but once it hit the point where I could no longer pretend I was imaging it, I immediately started to sabotage. Not full out sabotage, just little mental and emotional blocks started to go up everywhere. 

  

You might wonder why I would do this and you would be right to wonder. It can feel like good and interested guys are an elusive almost theoretical creature for single women. We believe they exist because we have heard rumors of them and we have friends that have managed to marry one. However, sometimes it seems like finding a nice, attractive, righteous, and interested guy is as likely as being asked out by the loch ness monster. (It just doesn't really happen. Please don't see this as a slam on men, it's not. Most of them are having an equally hard time finding what they are looking for in us.)

The point is that this creature has eluded me for so many years that when I saw one in my life, I panicked. After a great weekend with a great guy I have spent the week beyond miserable, thinking incessantly of every potential negative outcome, keeping myself braced for the inevitable hit of disappointment and feeling constantly sick to my stomach. Today I even poured scalding hot soup on my hand because I was too distracted to remember the golden rule "never tip over a cup with scalding hot soup". 

This has got to stop. I have two options. I either never allow men like "the beacon of hope and light to women everywhere" into my life or I remember things that I already know and stop acting like a lunatic.
 

Here is what I already know: 

I have a lot to offer and I like myself.

I am a joyful girl. 

I am fun and happy and should not, nor do I want to, be a big downer.

I know that this life is one of happiness and goodness beyond our imagination if we allow it and look for it. 

I know that I have been disappointed in the past and will be disappointed again; I know that is ok.

I know that bracing for disappointment doesn't make it easier to take when it comes and it ruins the process.

I know that I have no control over others or what they think, feel, and do.

I know most events in life are not a reflection on me, and are especially not some commentary on what I am worth.

I know that I have a lot of great people in my life that are cheering for me and love me.

I know that I am brave and I can do hard things.

I know that I have control over me.

Most importantly I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and always looks out for me. He has never left me or led me down the wrong path and I am always safe with Him. I have been disappointed before. However, I would never go back and change any of it because, in the end, I was always just fine and I will still be just fine. I know that it may not be this guy, but there is a guy who will be my beacon of hope and light and I am not in such a hurry to find him that I should ruin opportunities with him or others by being a pessimist.”

I dated that guy for a while and then, like so many others things, it ended and ended badly. I started to see myself drift right back to where I had been previously; disappointed, discouraged, and deflated. There is a really big flaw in that kind of living though. It’s not really livable. 

Even now as I try to be open to different guys I still have to fight the instinct. I have to brace myself for what can seem like the inevitable. But even at its worst the disappointment isn’t impossible and I learn something every time. The best part about disappointment is it draws me closer to my Father in Heaven and after all is said and done I end with one more dose of strength, knowledge, power, and an even stronger testimony of the Atonement. 

So to every disappointment that will come; I don't know what you will be or when you will hit, but I am waiting here totally vulnerable and unprepared because there are worse things than being unprepared for disappointment, and one of them is being prepared for it.

-Not Desperate in SLC

applicable songs for this post:
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
True Love Will Find You in the End- Mates of State
Hit Me With Your Best Shot- Pat Benatar
Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley
Another Heartbreak- BNL
Happy Ending- Mika