I Didn't Hate Being Single...

Last night I had one of my dreams again. I have been having them almost every night since we got married. I dream that we are dating and something has gone terribly wrong, or that I have to go on some dreadful blind date with someone that is not him, or that we break-up, or any other single/dating dream. These dreams, as you can probably tell are not me longing for or living out some remaining single desires. Not me wishing I was still in the dating game or even wishing we were still in the falling in love/getting to know you stage of our relationship, these are more like nightmares.

I casually mentioned these dreams to a friend of mine at work, just in passing, making some kind of joke about how my head needs time to totally catch up to the reality of my new life. I was single for years and have only been married for months. So I imagine my brain hasn't finished the transition yet, I am sure that is natural. Change takes time. My friend laughed and with a hint of judgement in his voice said "you must have hated being single." I didn't. Did I?

These dreams are so real because they were real. I have had similar experiences before, lots of them with lots of attempts at relationships. In every one of the dreams my heart drops and I think "wait I thought this was good" or "I thought I was done" sometimes in my dreams he is not there at all and I am stuck going on what feels like endless dates knowing that somewhere there is something better. Knowing that he is somewhere.

I didn't hate being single. I didn't. I always knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and was aware of me, and that He loved me. But, I have never made a secret of the fact that I did want to get married; that I wanted to find someone. I didn't hate being single. I just love being married.

There was one moment in our dating where I started to think the worst. We had talked about marriage and in my mind we were getting married. I mean, why wouldn't we? This was a gazillion times better than any relationship I had ever had or ever even dreamed of having, of course we were getting married.

We were lounging on the couch at his apartment one afternoon and I asked something about our inevitable wedded bliss. He looked at me kinda concerned, kinda worried. And then he said "I am not sure." I looked at him kinda confused while the weight of what he said slowly smothered me. I felt so heavy, so tired, like I had finally let go of all my singleness only to have it boomerang back and slap me in the face. I could barely hear what he was saying now all I could think was "I thought we were getting married." I went home and sat in my room; I tried to calm down to think about he really said but I couldn't. I couldn't even cry. I just kept thinking "I thought this was it"

He came in sometime later that night and sat down next to me. I braced myself for the inevitable break-up and cursed my stupidity in really thinking that this was different; thinking that marriage was our inevitable future. He looked so shocked when I said something about him coming over to break-up with me. I couldn't figure out why he was so surprised, this is how things went. He told me that he just needed a little more time to be sure. That marriage was big deal and he needed to really be sure. I still felt like the end was coming. We talked for a while and soon we were more on the same page. I was a little confused and a little angry; but we talked. That night he sent me a text that said "Please remember that I love you." Now I was even more confused than ever but much less angry; this was new to me. A new world where people work together and are honest about how they feel. A world where break-up isn't the only response to an unexpected conversation; where good-bye isn't the only answer.

When I woke up this morning I turned to see him asleep next to me and knew this wasn't a dream. As I walked around our apartment and saw his clothes and shoes mixed with my clothes and shoes. I once again reminded myself that this was my life, our new life. I felt tears building behind my eyes as I kissed him goodbye and hurried off to work. We have been married for months but my brain is still adjusting. Still adjusting to this new type of interaction that actually began long before we were married. This bond that started just a little while after we first met.

I had a lot of years of being single and there are certain things that you start expect; break-ups and bad dates seem so inevitable. But things change. Heavenly Father does have a plan for me, for us. I didn't hate being single, I just really love being married. Well, I guess I should say, I really love being married to him.