Flirting; it can be a real tedious work

I have never been the type of girl that can compel random guys to ask me out on dates in an effort to get to know me better. That is just not me. I am the kind of girl that guys become friends with and then somehow (almost accidentally) end up dating. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I abhor first dates. If I never had to go on another first date I think that I could carry on very happily. This is also not a pity party thing. I don't think it's about being less desirable; it's just about having (or not having, as the case may be) a certain je ne sais quoi.

I for sure have plenty je ne sais quoi but it is just not the kind that encourages dates. This has never really bugged me before and bugged wouldn't be the right word for how I feel about it now; intrigued, I guess. I used to think that falling in love should be totally organic and natural and not be the product of something deliberate. I think that it is absurd to use "games" (i.e. manipulation and deceit) as a means to know someone. However, maybe deliberate efforts to be your best self might be a different thing. It takes a heavy dose of vulnerability to repeatedly put yourself out there when it hasn't worked out in the past. Maybe that level of vulnerability is unnatural for everyone.

I tell myself flirting should just happen, that it should be whatever comes naturally. But, it isn't natural for me to hold eye contact or smile at someone I don't know. It isn't natural for me to flirt, but that doesn't make it unnatural. It doesn't mean that when I flirt it's phony. Flirting is deliberate, it has to be. The kind of flirting that comes without a thought isn't productive. Girls shouldn't flirt just to be a flirt. Flirting should have a purpose. Deliberate flirting never comes naturally, by definition it takes thought and effort. But you know what they say about how great things don't come easily.

Dating can be uncomfortable sometimes, it can be embarrassing, and it can be awkward. It is not as glamorous as movies make it out to be. In fact, dating is probably the least romantic thing a person can do. First date after first date, or even more awkward blind date after blind date. Will he call me? Do I want him to call me? Should I call him? Does he have what I am looking for? Do I know what I am looking for? The whole process can be gut-wrenchingly tedious and disappointing.

But just take a moment and think about:

The butterflies when someone holds eye contact back.

When someone smiles at you.

A really great first date.

All the hope that comes with potential.

When someone wants to see you again and again.

That first touch.

Once you start to get each others inside jokes, family references, and movie quotes.

The list could go on and on. All the fun stuff about dating.

Isn't all awkwardness and the potential negative worth the potential for positive? Isn't even a short lived relationship worth the risk, worth stepping out of the comfortable into the uneasy. Worth moving away from the norm into the uncomfortable, abnormal, sometimes tedious and terrifying world of flirting? Meeting people and dating does not always come naturally and it is not all giggles, stolen glances, and jaunts in the park. But, taking that step out of my comfort zone is always worth it because the sad and frustrating moments are fleeting. Plus, without the uncomfortable, uneasy, and unnatural efforts to meet people I would never get to my favorite part of dating. That moment when things get so comfortable, so easy, and so natural. That moment that reminds me how fantastic an authentic interaction can be. The memory of those moments won't let me stoop to playing games but demands that I stay willing to be vulnerable, get nervous, and work on my flirting.

-Not Desperate in SLC

I am Woman Hear me Roar?: Part One

This is something I wrote a while ago:

Today I came home from a long day at work, most of my days are long. I read a post from all of your dear and inspiring blogs and tried to force my mind to let go of the offensive thing someone said to me at work.

I started to think about things (something I do a lot) and think about me (something I do even more). Recently I have gotten to know a guy that is a bit challenging. Some might even call him a chauvinist, and by some I mean most of us. Actually, if we are being honest (which we always are), that's kinda his nickname in most circles. At least the circles that I am in and the circles that don't know him, except through the stories that I have told. But hey, I am not saying that everyone would find him arrogant and sometimes hard to be around, or even that I always do.

It's kinda odd...

I am getting ahead of myself. So this guy is a chauvinist. And has especially chauvinistic opinions about me and has freely expressed such opinions more than once. (Don't worry "some day I will find someone that will like me enough that they won't mind it"-it being my personality). So my initial reaction to the challenge to fit my gender roles more appropriately was, as I am sure you can imagine, to pretty much tell him to stuff his "gender rolls" in his own oven. I debated with him some of the finer points of dating and my apparent inability to do it appropriately on more than one occasion. I was strong, I was bold, I was well... kinda mean sometimes. one night after he and his roommate left i felt sad and sick and embarrassed. Not because I didn't believe the things I had said but because I didn't agree with what all of it implied about me.

I couldn't sleep that night. The next morning I realized I had a bad case of what we'll call extremefemininitis. I let myself fall into the trap of proving how great women can be by acting as far from womanly as I could. Yeah the feminist movement has made it possible for us to be almost anything and anyone we want, great. So why do we seem to keep choosing to just be awful? Being strong doesn't mean you fight anyone that looks at you wrong or kick anyone that kicks you first. Strength is being sympathetic and forgiving. Being powerful isn't the same as being the boss of everyone around you. Being bold isn't being louder than someone else or saying something no one else will say (sometimes no one is saying it because it shouldn't be said). Being strong and bold is not being afraid to be who you want and who you are meant to be. It's not letting your goals become weakened by others' ignorance and fear. I am sad about all the women who have let themselves get lost in trying to prove that they can be the same as men. Equal is not same; same is not equal. There are so many aspects of gender that are innate and eternal. We are good at different things for a reason, and we are good at different things.

I have a very kind heart, I always have. But for some silly reason i have spent years trying to diminish it. My heart is made of pure kindness and filled to the brim with love. Granted, it does have its patches of sassiness and the occasional stitches of cynicism but there is more good than bad. So why do I let myself be baited into pretending I am filled with more hardness than softness? Why do we let the world dictate what it means to be a strong woman? Being tough and hard are bad qualities in meat (or so I am told, I am not much of a meat eater) but they are especially unappealing in women. (Yes, I did just compare women to meat. Eat that feminist everywhere.)

I am thankful for women that are their own special kind of strong and the men that "like them enough that they don't mind it". I am thankful for our differences and I am thankful for all of our shared potential. I am thankful that, most of the time, I am me. I am thankful that I can be brave, but I am especially thankful that I am so kindhearted it makes me weak sometimes- okay a lot of the time.

Sometimes I don't want to roar.

It turns out, with a softer heart, this chauvinist I know, isn't so bad

It turns out neither am I.

-Not Desperate in SLC


Applicable songs:
I Enjoy Being A Girl- Doris Day
You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Women- Carole King or Aretha Franklin depending on your mood

Your Time Will Come

I am the baby of my family and when I was young, always felt a little behind. I remember how desperately I wanted to grow-up, to be in the same place as those around me. One night in particular we were sitting at the dinner table and my dad had just read one of his favorite poems (yeah that's my family, we often discussed literature at the dinner table). After he finished he looked up at the group and said, "Can anyone tell me what this poem is about?" I was really excited for him to get to me, in my mind I had a real gem to share. Finally, it was my turn. The whole table turned in my direction; my dad gave me a loving and sympathetic smile and as I open my mouth to begin he said, "Don't worry, your time will come." At the time my dad's words of encouragement broke my little, over-eager heart. In the years since then it has been one of our favorite family jokes.

Being single can sometimes feel like eagerly waiting for your time come. Finding the right person can be tricky, it can take time. Yet, we somehow feel behind if love doesn't come quickly and easily. We start to feel like there is something missing, something more than love and companionship; something off about you. Why do we do that? Why do we start to search for irrational answers when the rational ones are right in front of us and widely accepted by everyone. Being alone can be well... lonely. Why make it worse by adding self-deprecation and doubt. Here's the point: there is a way to be single and not be sad about yourself. There is no reason to further the stereotype that being single and female makes you desperate. 

The fact is that over the years my time has come repeatedly. Every time I learn something new or work hard to achieve a goal. When I graduated college or when I got my first big girl job. When I get to spend time with my family or see the way my nieces and nephews look at me. Really anytime I feel like a good, genuine version of myself my time has come. So why would I feel like my time has to wait for marriage? I want to get married because I value family and marriage; I am not going to pretend like I don't. I don't have to take value out of marriage to find the value in my current life. It's all about balance. Being able to be happy and secure as a single girl does not mean that I don't really want marriage. But, caring about marriage does not make me desperate. I am a lot of things and for sure a work in progress, but I am anything but desperate.

--- Not Desperate in SLC

coming...february 1, 2011...stay tuned...